Attempting to vocalize an ineffable thought.... The need for recognition is going to kill me. What is meant by that? A variety of things. For one thing, the annihilation of the independence of self, and possibly, of individuation itself. It begins to collapse when it can no longer sustain itself by its own means. However, the process can be slowed if some outside encouragement is offered which causes one to be able continue on no matter the enormous difficulty of the task. Why is that?
All human beings receive recognition from the moment they are born, as they grow up and undergo a variety of changes which allows them to become what they are. This is inescapable, as it is part of coming into being. The reliance on such thing is a very terrible thing. So how do we avoid it? Can balance be maintained? Should advice and instruction always be acted upon? At what point does it become someone else's will? Perhaps it would be acceptable, nay, even noble, if the intentions were good and they can be. But what if they aren't?
How can we keep ourselves from going astray, but by knowing ourselves? And that is what stings the most. I know all this. Every second I act contrary to this, it feels worse and worse. Just when I stop to inwardly reflect on how far I've come, I realize that I haven't actually gone anywhere and the journey ahead keeps on continuing with no end in sight.
My quest towards the ideal isn't actualized yet, but it is the possibility that it could be—with work and effort in overcoming that which stands in the way which drives me. And what is that? Fear. Fear of what? Of being wrong and failing to meet expectations. Essentially, to not be what I wish or what I intend. The words clog in my throat, even when I know the answer, I am unable to speak because I'm afraid I'll be questioned further and further, trapped in a Socratic dialectic where speech fails me and my silence is reflective, representative of me.
But success cannot be attained unless the deed is done. The action itself is the only way triumph can be obtained. When one acts regardless of the outcome, that is what separates the two. The person who succeeds did so, knowing full well they could have failed and yet they did it despite the doubt. The person who fails the worse is the person who did not act at all, while the person who acted but failed merely needs more improvement... which cannot be acquired without experience.